he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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