i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
