For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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