and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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