I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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