In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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