I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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