My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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