Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
