Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
