Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
