you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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