So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and she was petting her beer can
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Randomize
