i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
