My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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