omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
