Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
