I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
