Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
