my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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