i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
