nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
