Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
