just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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