I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
