so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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