just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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