Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
