I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
