I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
