I want to have your abortion
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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