dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
