I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
