GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
