Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
