Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
