dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
