Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
