am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
