What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Come share oat with me in your robe
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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