When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
