Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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