I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
