I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
