That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize