I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
