on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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