I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
