glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
