Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
