I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
