I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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