I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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